my lil’ scrapboxes

2:20pm aug 6th ‘05

what a… hard day.. entah knp hr in kok aq jd too sensi..its been a hard day 4 me… cryin’ there juz b’coz one of my studnt..keterlaluan bgt si..entah knp, bnr2 too sensi bgt hr ini… biasanya ma i still can stand on it..t4 entah td kok jd gt… bnr2 g prnh nyangka kl aq bkl nangis outside my bedroom..nangis di mg ke 3 aq ngajar.. rush into restroom n cried alone there.. really hard day..

wish i had sum1 here 2 share it all… sum1 i can cry on.. n grab me in his arm.. covered me w/ luv..finally i juz ran into Papa Jc, n bring it all to You.. Lord, You’re wonderful, glorious.. n i can rest assure in You.. bnr2 *freed* only by stayin’ there besides You.. that i realize, there’s sum1 whose still cares bout me… bhw setiap saat aq bs selalu lari kesana.. that i never b alone.. that i mean sumthin’ to Him..

bnr2 itu *ngelepasin* bgt.. knowing that there’s still sum1 besides me.. bhw aq akan sll pny seseorg.. kdg ngerasa *sepi* jg si dont hv sum1 here..tp aq pcy.. He has d best plan 4 my life.. bhw Dia sayang sm aq n will give me d best..even if i dont know when’ll it comes 2 me.. but i believe in Him.. believe that He gives me d best.. till it comes, i’ll wait here n pray.. strengthen me Dad.. so thati can walk through dis stormy life.. as You’re my strength..
yah.. already calm down now.. but its still *blue* deep.. wish i hv sum1 here cheerin’ me upthrough dis hard day.. ih dasar y.. kok jd *cengeng* gn si.. where’s my *tough* grace,girl?! c’mon.. heads up n smile girl! theres always sum1 there 4 u.. he3…
ok, i’ll stand up, heads up n smile.. 2 face dis rough world.. w/ Him besides me.. like He said, b joyful like a kid, 4 the owned Heaven.. he3..

:: sat, aug 6th, 2.57am ::
[ finished 3:53am ]

huff… still freezin’ mourn, but sumthin awake me. g tau knp, tb2 bgn, trs g bs bo2lg d. mn bgnnya ky rd kaget gt.. get lil bit dizzy.. like sumthin blow my head..bnrn g enak d. yup.. brsn aj aq makan. seharian kmrn cm mkn siomay sm mar.. pdhlseharian kan regis, cape.. cm makan siomay cb. mgkn gr2 itu kli y jd pusing gn ;psalah sndr… sbnrnya g pngn makan.. g laper. cm kd maksa jg. i’ll need my energy 4 2mmorrow. kan bsk kd ngajar pagi gt. alhasil, maksa diri buat makan.. ih gila.. sooo cold here. bnrn d, bbrp hr ini kl subuh dingin bgt..
lyin’ awake 2night.. makes me think.. n realize how much blessings n graces He gave me..bnr2 aq ni seseorg yg hidup hny krn anugrahNya.. mk nya dinamain grace. from my 1stbreath on dis earth till now.. He’s never stop bless me.. never suppose such thingsin my life… g prnh nyangka kl dl dpt beasiswa buat ke Belanda , g prnh nyangka got d 1st place on choir contest in junior high n made meable 2 get into my senior high.. bnr2 smua berkat n anugrahNya aq g prnh nyangka.. never imagine… never ever think bout that things b4.. all i know is that He’s always by my side… ev’ry day n ev’ry seconds of my life.. never leave me by..
think bout His love.. think bout His grace… makes me so thankful 4 my life.. even if sumtimes it becomes stormy. He lift me up high in His arms.
hr ini… God has made another miracle in my life. akhirnya, regis ku sukses. bnr2 td tu..hoping on my faith only. bayangin d.. aq ngantri di dpn loket persis, b’arti pasti msk dlan.eh tyt, entah gmn, bpknya rd o’on ngambil ktm.. eh dimskinnya mulai dr yg plg blkg ke dpn..n i put me back there. dr no 3 dr dpn.. jd hmpr blkg sndr.. liat urutan itu… bnr2 cm blg..*Dad, dunno what should i do. all i know is that You’re my Hope. i’m sure dat u’ll make it able 4 me*.udah.. cm bs doa gt aja. trs duduk nunggu sampe namaku dipanggil. bnr2 *perang* bgt..tegang kl jdwl jd berantakan.. wkt liat ada kls pnh, aq bnr2 cm bs berdoa.. spy jdwl ku g berantakan.apalg aq bnr2 g pny bny pilihan kls krn msh ngajar jg. tp wkt msk n regis… thx to God..He’s made another miracles.. jdwl dpt smua.. sesuai yg aq bikin, cm mindah praktikum aj.put all your cares upon Him 4 He cares 4 u.. bnr2 holding on a hope-string..
umm… what else?? nls apa lg ya… kl udah mlm bgt gn, kdg jd mikir… seandainya, i hv sum1 around 2 share all my fears n cheers. rasanya *sepi* jg g ada yg bs diajak berbagi..mmg si, temen bny, but they didnt get into so much *deep* on me.. blm bs *mempercayakan* hal2 itu sm mrk.. too private, its bout my feelings inside.. mmg aq pny Papa JC yg akan sll ada..tp, jujur aja… still need sum1 around.. yah… berdoa aja… wish He gave me sum1 d best..
seseorang yg bs diajak berbagi.. share all mu laughs n tears.. be a shoulder 2 cry on..an arms to be be arm-in-arm, seseorg yg bnr2 cinta Tuhan.. n menempatkan Dia sbg Penguasa hidupnya.. seseorg yg bnr2 bs nerima n ngertiin aq dg sgl kondisiku.. dlm sgl kondisiku.. accept me as i am..sum1 who cares bout me.. ngehargain aq n ngasi kebebasan jg sm aq.. tough enough.. seseorg yg bnr2 hv personality.. sum1 smart enough i hope..seseorg yg bs jd t4 bersandar.. seseorg yg sayang sm aq n bakal aq sayang… seseorg yg bkl aq support, seseorg yg akan ada di hatiku, seseorg yg bkl kubilang kl aq sayang dia..seseorg yg aq bkl jd org pertama yg aq veritain kl aq seneng ato sedih.. yg bkl aq telpon n sms mlm2 cm buat blg kl *you means a lot 4 me*, yg bkl jd t4ku cerita, temen becanda, tmn nangis bareng… yg bkl aq hargain n i pray for.. bkn co yg cakep, tajir, dg sgl atribut yg menyertainya.. tp co yg bnr2 cinta TUhan n ga ragu utk berkata kl dia sayang aku… co yg *berkarakter* n kuat…
i believe He have him in a part of dis world maybe i’m still lil bit terrified 2 trust other guy rite now,terrified of giving my heart into sum1 who’ll thow it away.. but i believe.. its all bout His time.. when it comes into His time.. He’ll relieve my fears.. be it on to me according 2 Your words.. entah knp, kl dah mlm bgt gn br ngerasain yg *aneh*.. mgkn krn udah sepi bgt..jd br nyadar kl pngn cerita sm sapa gt… kl udah gn, akhirnya *lari* ke Papa JC d..bow my knees n hv a long chat w/Him.. sampe akhirnya get released from all of it.. according 2 Your promises i can stand secure.. tiap hari berjalan bersama Papa JC..
maybe sum1 juz comes around my heart rite now.. but still dunno whether he wont throw it away my trust like other guys do..takut aj kl it’ll end up like d other stories.. i’ll juz watchin’ here.. pray n wishing him all d best..loving sum1 n start a new story which’ll end up in losing ‘em w/same reasons like b4.. it’s been frighten me up… except i could really trust him n put my hearts there.. as i said b4.. it’s all bout His time.. until it comes my way.. i’ll b sittin’ here, watchin’ u around, pray n wishing u all d best things in life..loving u w/ wings that flies u way up above.. reach your shinning star there..

tue, aug 2nd, 3.21am

late at night.. n i’m still here.. cant close my eyes.. its already a new month, new step on dis year.. n i’ve already begun my steps 4 d rest of dis year.. but, still feelin’ missed 1 thing.. luv dat will wrap me around w/ its warmness.. what do u expect girl?! kinda *instant* miracle??!! maybe…

maybe, it juz a tiny lil thing, but still, it bothered my mind. esp after they asked me same quest 4 d rest of dis weeks.. is it so important?! i didnt really wanna b w/ him 4 d rest of my life, even if he loves me so. cant stand on how they treat me. n i’ve known it 4 d rest of dis 3 years. honestly, it’s freakin’ me out 2 hv other relationship w/ guys. trully. its hurts me much till now. thinkin’ dat there’s no *good* guy outta there.

so fuckin’ freakin’ out of guys.. after what’s been through in my life.. guys involved w/ my mom, none is good enough. they’d broke my fams. other guys comin’ through my life.. so caring, but.. distance separated us. oter came by.. n thats what hurted me so much till now.. i hate bein’ valued by other people’s mistakes! maybe my mom was such a looser by getting involved w/ so many other guys after my dad, maybe my big bro was so fuckin’ naughty when he’s at high school.. but, could they only valued me juz as what am i?!!! not juz dropped me out after knowin’ my name only. maybe thats right that i’d such a broken fam.. but they’re recovering n change now.. could they ever see it?! dumped juz b’coz they said so..

not really dumped actually… he still close 2 me.. but, inside my heart, i’d no feelin’ anymore. tryin’ to drive him outta my life. but he wouldnt. said that he loves me still. but i really wonder, does he? or juz stayin here b’coz didnt found any girls yet, or juz get usual w/ me around?? dunno why he kept walkin around my life.. wish i could free myself..

honestly, much thank yous 4 all things he did in my life.. 4 keepin’ my fam’s hopes up above… thats why its been a lil hard 2 b really drive him outta my life. my fams puts too much hopes on him. they’d known that i’d such a freakin’ feelings of guys.. n my mum esp, wants me 2 get along w/ sum1 good n worth enough.. thats why when i *found* him, such a good guy they’d dreamt of.. but not a worthy guy i’m dreamin’ of… they put soooo much hopes on him.. n it makes him easily comes into my fams.. even if i didnt love him anymore.. all that i feel is only.. thank yous 4 keeping their dreams alive..

n at d end of this week.. when they all asked me what will we do in d next… i couldnt speak.. lost my words 2 explain it all.. oGod, its been soo much difficult 4 me.. killing their dreams… explaining that we wont b 2gether, only getting along as a bro-sista. even if until now, he kept coming into my house.. sorry dat i’d 2 say sum kinda thing.. sure it broke their dreams.. but i should tell ‘em.. its been too late.. kept goin’ on till years even if we had nothin except bro n sista..

deep down in my heart…i wish dat sumday i’ll find a guy who’s worth enough n luv juz as d way i am… God, would u give me Ur strength 2 4give em who’d hurted me sooo much… it’s been so hard 4 me 2 4give em.. all that i want is juz.. appreciate me juz as d way i am.. not by other’s.. God, i believe dat You still hv Ur belovin’ kids who really love You with all his heart.. only guy w. You inside who can love me trully.. no matter what… but, i’m still freakin’ out facin’ out guys… once i put my trust in him, they usually let me down. by dumped me bcoz of distances.. or my fams background.. God, please open up their eyes n make em able 2 see what’s i’ve been through.. deep quality inside.. things You workin out in my lofe.. how You changes us all.. not juz seein’ our past..

i’d no one besides You, God.. n i still believe, that sumday when You give him 2 me.. You’ll open my heart n make me able 2 trust a guy again.. trully, its been so hard 4 me trusting guys right now.. even if feels *lonely* inside… needs sum1 as a shoulder 2 cry on.. sum1 who’ll cheerin me up n reminds me on my ups n downs, sum1 i can lean on his shoulder.. God, i know dat You always b there 4 me.. w/ Your lovin care.. hold me still in Your arms n never let me go away, caress me w/ Your love.. lead me Your way.. n i lift up my life n praise You..

ease my pain n give me strength 2 4give em trully… all i do is live my life 4 u God.i’ll get up n praise You.. all dat cheerin up my life is when i looked at my life n seein’ many graces You’ve given 2 me.. dats why they named me grace.. wishin’ me to be thankful 4 ev’ry grace He gave me.. n i’m sure dat i could walk through anything w/ You besides me.. even if i had no one.. my refuge n my strength hope is always w/ You….