my lil’ scrapboxes

udah malem, sambil nungguin instal adobe cs2 suite di laptopo tmnku yg ditinggal buat diformat & dipartisi ulang.. lama nungguinnya, jd ya aku nulis2 aja dulu skln. [^_^]v mumpung ad lappie nya tmnku disini… jd bs nls blog smbl tiduran *_^ hehehe.. teknologi yg memudahkan qta bgt..

yah, quite hapy ngejalanin minggu ini… bny bgt kerjaan n tgs yg kd diselesaiin.. but i’m enjoying it. so much! mulai dari ngerjain desain web buat diikutin lomba sm anak2 SD, ngelatih mrk ngebikin web itu pake PPT, ngedesain web ku sndr buat tgs rpl ai, nyelesaiin urusan seminar qnap.. sampe ngurusin adekku yg *ribut* mulu sm ko2 mulai dr digangguin sampe ngebantuin dia ngerjain tgs2 sekolahnya.. nothing else to say rather than. i’m enjoying my life rite now.

menikmati bgt ngajar.. ngaharin adek2 itu d mulai dr g bs apa2 sampe akhirnya s melakkukan “sesuatu” dg apa yg mrk bisa saat ini… seneng aja ngeliat akhirnya mrk bs mel
cape si mmg, cm aku enjoy bgt.. mgkn ga smua berjalan mulus spt apa yg aku mau n rencanain.. tp aku lr dr smua hal itu. bhw smuahal diijinkan terjadi dlm kehidupan qta utk membawa kebaikan buat qta. mulai dr hal yg nyenengin sampe hal yg nyebelin n ampun2an.. smua tjd bukan tnp maksud. tp dg sebuah 7an yg DIa taruh dlm kehidupan qta.. utk membuat qta jd lbh baek n lbh tegar ngejalanin hidup ini.. dg sgl kesusahan n kesenangannya… [^_-] wuihhh… jd filosofis bgt y aku.. :p

yah, currently enjoying my life. juz missing one part of life.. itu aja. nothing less or more to say. cm missing one part of life… n i believe she’ll find her soul one day [^_^] tul ga?! bknkah smua ada waktu dan saatnya msg2?! hehehe..

still here.. kangen jg sm masa2 wkt msh ada org yg spesial buat aku, merhatiin aku dg caranya yg unik… humm,,, kl skrg ma, ky berasa g sempet mikirin yg mcm gt. too many things to do. hehe.. cm mmg si kangen jg sm masa2 itu. ms2 dimn ad seseorg yg spesial yg ngewarnain hari2ku.. cieee…. ]kok jd sentimetil gn sih?!].. [!_!] humm,, wishing dat sumday, when i find him, he’ll b d one who’ll cerish my life, my heart n my soul. mjd seseorg yg ngedorong aku buat ngelakuin sgl sesuatu dg lbh baek lagi, to b a better person.. seseorg dg siapa akan kubagi hidup,rasa, hati, cita2ku, impian2ku.. seseorg yg buatnya aku akan ad di sampinnya bahkan di saat dia ga membutuhkan sebuah pertolongan. too sentimentil mayb.but thats what i’m looking for in love. itu yg aku cari. sum pals said, *hey grace, u’r not looking for juz-a-boyfriend with that criterias. u’r looking for a husband-to-live-with. yeah, mayb dats rite. too tired of playing around [like i've been in luv for so many times while i'm not ;p ] want luv dat will last 4eva.. hehe.. [*_*]

yeah, at least, i’m enjoying my life rite now.. no matter what. [^_^]v n i’m happy being me.. in whateva conditions..

seperti biasa, aku msh ngendon jg di dpn komputer walo sbnrnya ini quite late at nite. mlm ini td, aku ke warnet. cek macem2, update blog.. n ngebaca blog bbrp temenku. n suddenly, aku ngebaca blog salah satu tmnku SMP yg udah lama buangeth aku g ketemu sm dia.. bnr2 happened in sudden bgt. ga nyangka bgt kl dia udah se*dewasa* itu skrg.. biasanya sih aku ma g prnh ngebaca blog dia.. she nvr crossed my mind once in a time.. bnr2 g prnh kepikiran kl aku bkl bc blog dia..bny hal yg aku dapetin dr blog dia.. yah, mgkn itu salah satu jlnNya buat *nyadarin* aku akan bbrp hal… yg slm ini jd *batu* buat aku..

satu hal yg dia blg di blognya yg bikin aku nyadar sesuatu.. dia blg, *hny ce yg “kecil” yg ngebiarin dirinya stucked n ga mo ngerasain jatuh cinta lagi hny krn dia prnh disakitin. ga akan segitu gampangnya bikin kptsan buat diri sndr kl kita ga bakal n ga akan prnh mau jatuih cinta lagi stlh kejadian itu* yep, she said so. klo mungkin ada org yg baca blog ku slm ini.. entah itu yg di friendster ato mgkn mlh yg di blogger… bisa bgt buat mrk ngatain aku ini adl si ce *kecil* yg dibilang sm tmnku itu td. bisa bgt. n mungkin bgt. kl mo dibilang aku ini pesimis… ya bs juga. bisa banget malah. seseorg yg terlalu *kecil* n lemah buat ga stucked disana stlh disakitin berulang sm mrk tnp aku tau salah ku apaan. bnr bgt kalo dibilang aku ni ce *kecil* yg ga grow up. aku g grow up bgt dlm ngatasin perasaanku sndr. entah udah brp thn aku ga bisa ngilangin n ngalahin perasaan n traumaku sndr stlh kejadian2 itu.. ce yg hny sekedar kecil scr fisik msh lbh mending dibanding dia yg *kecil* di hatinya.. kecil krn dia g sanggup ngalahin smua ketakutannya n ngerasain growing pains buat grow up jd ce yg spnhnya kuat..

pesimis… ngadepin kemungkinan kalo suatu saat ntar aku juga bkl ngeliat seseorg dr sudut pandang yg berbeda n mulai sayang lagi sm dia. pesimis n ketakutan ngadepin penolakan mereka atas latar belakang n kondisi masa lalu yg sbnrnya ga ada hubungannya bgt sama aku.. pesimis n so damn scared atas penilaian mrk yg udah dijatuhin bahkan sebelum mrk prnh kenalan sm aku… sbnrnya bkn mslh co nya yg bikin aku takut buat suatu saat mulai sayang seseorang lagi. but its more bout afraid of being rejected by ppl around him.. takut kl ternyata dia ga bs ngejadiin aku sebagai bagian yg spesial dlm hidupnya, seseorg yg dia rawat & lindungi sepenuh hati..

bnr bgt kl dibilang aku ni pesimis ngadepin kemungkinan. kdg, aku lebih milih buat diem n ngelalui masa2 itu sendirian daripada ngambail resiko buat berada dg mereka yg aku sayang tapi dg kemungkinan kl ntar nya aku bisa banget didepak dari kehidupan mereka stlh mrk tau ky apa sbnrnya grace yg bnr2 grace sampe sedalem2nya..

bnr kata tita, kalo seharusnya aku ga boleh jadiin itu smua sbg alesan buat aku ga mo sayang lagi sama orang. ga seharusnya aku ky gitu. seharusnya aku bersyukur krn paling ga aku prnh ngerasain ky apa rasanya disayang sama seseorg walo mgkn itu cm bentar bgt & akhirnya jg aku direnggutin dari dia dg cara yg ga bs dibilang berperasaan… bahwa setidaknya aku prnh ngerasain ky apa rasanya disayang, menjadi seseorang yg berada disana buat dia yg disayang , menjadi seseorang yg akan selalu mensupport dia… i should b thankful krn aku prnh ngerasain semua itu.. n bukannya ketakutan buat nyayangin seseorang lagi hny karena takut kalo ntar dia bakal direnggutkan lagi dari aku…

mlm ini td, Tuhan seolah lagi nguatin aku.. ad tmn sms aku n bilang, *life ends when u stop dreaming, hope’s lost when u stop believing, n luv fails when u stop caring* n suddenly aku tb2 bc blog tita yg inspiring me..

mungkin emang aku udah berulang kali disakitin, direnggutkan dari dia yg aku sayang dg cara yg ga bs dblg berperasaan, bahkan *diinjak* sesudah itu.. berulang kali mendengar kata2 itu dari mulut mereka yg berada di sekitarnya… tapi, kaya kata tita… hny ce yg “kecil” yg ngebiarin dirinya stucked ngadepin semua ketakutan n kemungkinan kehilangan lagi, hny ce yg “kecil” yg ketakutan dg masa lalunya.. n aku mau jd ce yg grow up. jadi ce yg lbh kuat lagi…
seseorg yg menghadapi dunia dg kepala tegak memandang ke depan dan senyuman terkembang. seseorang yg membalas setiap perkataan mereka dengan penuh senyuman dan hati yg penuh kasih.. seseorang yang mau ngebuka hatinya buat ntar suatu saat, nemuin seseorang yg worth enough buat disayangin. seseorang yg bersedia memberikan hatinya sebesar yg aku berikan padanya.. cuz she’ll find soulmate He’s givin’ her.. karena aku akan menjadi seseorang yg mengampuni dan mengasihi dia walau pun nanti dia bisa aja direnggutkan lagi dari aku..

toh ada masanya bahwa seyiap orang ntar bakal kehilangan juga. tul ngga?! bahwa aku mau jadi ce *besar* yg ga lagi ketakutan menghadapi kemungkinan nyayangin orang lagi n kemudia kehilangan dia lagi. bkn seorg ce *kecil* yg stucked di sakit hatinya.. kecil physicly si boleh2 aja… tapi aku ga mau jd ce yg *kecil* hatinya juga.. aku mau jadi seseorang yg cukup berharga buat suatu saat ntar disayangin lagi sama seseorang yg Tuhan bawa buat aku..

yeah, thx God for making me realizing sumthin tonight. thx God udah ngirimin mereka2 yg menjadi sumber kekuatan & inspirasi buat aku mlm ini.. heal me, n give me Your heart to forgive ‘em n open my heart again… bhw seperti yg tmnku bilang.. [lagi2 tmnku.. mlm ini bny bgt yg tb2 sms n jd inspirasi buat aku] “happiness doesnt depends on what u hv, but on what u are.. b happy cuz i’m so precious in His sight” [^_^] bhw meski mereka direnggutkan kembali dan aku dipermalukan, namun aku tetap akan menjadi biji mataNya yg berharga.. dia yg diberikan hati untuk mengasihi..

yep, taking a while break after doin my assignment. looking at d result.. could only said ‘WOW!’ big one. what a…. surprise. cant imagin i’m doin it all by myself. wow. my pals didnt help me much. juz hangin there n look me continously while i’m scretching my mind in front of d comp, try to find d logic for our app, in front of sum1’s notebook. notebook… yeah, its kinda my needs now. too many time spent outside d house while tons of assignments waitin. do any1 will give me one?! haha.. kiddin me ^^;; yep, i’ll buy one by myself sumday ^_-

gotta get sum boy out there to help me out of dis *misery*. sum pal said, *go out more! u’ve spend too many times in front of d comp*. yep, mayb i juz need to find sum1 interesting enough to take me out of d dawn !_! hehe.. ^_- but i’m enjoying d time in my life. lil bit bored mayb, but i’m thanking.. n quite happy also ^_^v dun really hv sumthin to write, so i’ll juz babbling around ^^;;

starting dis week, i’m joining a commitee. planning a QnaP’s seminar for d next month. think i’ll enjoy it. taking so many chances, doing so many things, planning so many plans, stressing so manny times too mayb :p but i’ll juz enjoy it. like my friend’s said, *happiness n sadness, hard things n happy things, are essential for life* run it, n gotcha! u get sumthing from everything happened in ur life.. hehe.. ^_^v

yeahhh.. enough babbling around. gotta catch sum sleep to face a long day tommorrow. c ya all.. wishin u d luckiest day ever…

dunno why, rite now, i like dis song so much. touchy mayb.. or mayb… it expresses myself clearly. done it all for love. even if its hard, but still hangin’ on coz i’m doing it with love. even if d sky seems so dark, everything seems so hard, but i’m doing it with love..

yeah, dats rite.. i’m trying to hold on at anything. with all my strength. d strength He’s givin’ me. lately, feeling everything so hard. hard to b done, hard to explain, hard to understand. but still, i’m thanking for everything i hv n hvnt rite now. anything. any goods or bads. kinds stressed inside… being sick forabout dis two weeks. get well.. n drop again. been a hard month for me. want sum break or refreshment.. from anything, anyone, or any chances ^^;;

dis evening… no sign, no feels, tears drop swiftly.. dunno why. juz laying here w/my bears… hugging one of my *pal*, suddenly.. it drops swiftly. what happened to me??? dun hv a clue.. mayb loneliness suddenly bites me so deep. yeah… cant talk to no one… juz d guilty me, who dont wanna open her heart to accept sum1 again..

its not about *dun wanna open my heart* again.. only bout fears of losing sum1 i really love again. looking at ‘em while they seized him rudely.. cant stand it anymore. is it wrong if i want a love that will last 4eva? is it wrong juz wanting sum1 dat love u juz d way u are? with all ur goods, bads, rights, wrongs, futures, n pasts, unconditionally? is it wrong juz wanting sum1 u really love staying at d deepest part of ur heart 4 d rest of ur life n there at ur side? too hard to say, juz cant stand losing sum1 i love again… juz wanting ‘em staying there 4 d rest of my life.. nvr gonna loose ‘em again.. so simple, juz look me in d eyes n say those 3 words, dun ever leave me even if u knows who i really am, confide me with ur love.. carves it with steps.. n if sumthing really happening to us, sumthing come into our way, together we’ll confide ‘em all dat i’m not what they think, rather than running away from me.. yeah… so simply, so hard to find.. will i ever find sum1 dat love me for juz d way i am.. n dun ever listen on what ppl say rather than what i say.. put all his trust on me.. n i’ll do d same thing for him… 100%. with no single percent missed.

hard to admit… sum1 came inside my heart. charming, mature, kind, smart, think he has faith, a-shoulder-to-cry-and-lean-on, supportive, sweet smile, always being there when i need sum1, honest, shy but he’s really being him – trully him, what’s inside is all out -, think dat he’s kinda guy who doesnt ask too much – easy to pleased with simplest things of love -, tough guy, easy to make laugh.. yeah.. it came by. knowing him for a long time. hv no clue why he’s came into my mind so many times even if we seldom meet. juz looking at his eyes n i find strength. sipporting me juz by being there n reaching my hands when i need sum1 to pull me out. say less, do more. every time spent valuable, i got sumthing from u. even d simplest thing.supports me in many ways. friend’s sum who walk in while d rest of d world walk out, dats really him. being a friend when i really need sum1. is it called love? dunno. it could, n couldnt. really really hard to admit. i’m too afraid of losing sum1 i love again n again. i juz need sum1 who’ll confide me dat he’ll nvr leave me alone when d rest of d world walks out n abused me..

for sum1 out there.. that has been sooo inspiring.. i’m thanking for every single thing u share to me, everything u teach me [realize it or not], every single supports u bring me.. thank you for being a friend when i really need sum1 to pulled me out.. flutter ur wings n fly as high as ur dreams bring u.. wishing all d best things in llife..